My Head And My Heart Are At War

My head and my heart are at war. I realised this after a long phone call that really started with my friend saying she was checking in on me. Now anyone that knows me knows that I am a loyal friend. So when this beloved friend asked this I knew I was allowed to tell the truth.

The day before the call I was feeling like I was going to explode. Only because when you are transiting from one state of being to the next you have no idea how to feel and what to feel. You have weird new feelings popping in and out of your life and you really are confused most of the time. From nursing a broken heart to having your heart want that person back. You could be responding  to confusing and hard questions that family members  and family friends keep asking you about; questions about the very life you are trying to figure out. Right down to just the normal angst of living a life that needs money to keep it going forward.

I found my head and my heart at war because I am thinking I am so loving why do people not love me back? I know my family loves me. I know my mother loves me, she tells me every day. But those types of loves are the norm and now I want to be loved and savoured by those I’ve loved and savoured. I want to be rescued by a prince who finds my very quirks the very thing he loves and have him not pretend to love them but really loves them.  I once heard a man in his forties say to me the very thing he loves about his wife is her lisp. It drives me crazy he said. I sat and tried to imagine how that feels and possibly looks like. To have someone accept those random thoughts you share in the midst of a conversation and for that person to enjoy them with you. And say it for the rest of his life and not just in the parts of the early days of wooing me into a relationship. Imagine just being you and loving it and then have someone love it just as much as you do. Knowing that whether you are gone on a business trip nothing changes you are still united and committed in making your relationship work.

I was also at war with my head and heart regarding friendships.  The exhaustion came and I realised that I didn’t play my part in making solid boundaries. I kept having to ask myself, is this person necessary in my life or am I just being taken for a friendship fool and it’s time to cut the cord. I said to one friend over the phone. Is my emotional acumen that low that I can’t see people for who and what they are? My answer to my own question was yes. Eventually I had to reboot in solitude and find a new way of dealing with these very daunting tasks of making sure my cup is always full that I’m not giving too much; that I’m left without.

What I do know for sure is that plans were made. I made plans, I told myself jump from this job to that job. Have a career, have high hopes and dreams. Be good looking, exercise, smile, tell jokes, welcome people with a warm and happy heart. A guy will find you, settle down and have kids. That was the plan and in all that go to church, love God and it will come together. So the plans haven’t really worked this way. I still love God and I still get mad at God but I find myself in a better space. I’m no longer bitter about how the process is going. Some days you are mad at yourself, other days you are mad at others because of your own pain. It’s still very important that we keep going. Have high hopes that it won’t always be this way and that you have the bouncing back power to bounce back and do all the things you need to do.